ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

Oh, now we're into the issues of oversimplifying to summarize complex topics. There are different *kinds* of, or aspects of, memory. Like, muscle memory is when you've done a task enough times, you don't usually have to consciously think about all the steps. And certainly, an effect of trauma can be that memory is distorted or parts are hard to access.

It seems reasonable to me that sense memory - for example, a scent, or a sound - could trigger overwhelming feelings and other negative reactions, even if you don't consciously remember why. But not having a memory you can consciously recall, at all, is, I think, a little unusual. So I would definitely need to dig into my studies to have a better answer for you.

And, to be clear, I'm completely willing to do that, if this isn't an idle question.

No, it's

This doesn't leave this conversation, understand?

[He doesn't have to talk about all of it. Just the relevant parts. Just the parts that might help solve the problem.]

It's that way on purpose. I got rid of it. Whatever it is that has me like this, I know it was bad, but I've burned it right out of my head. Destroyed the synapses. There shouldn't be anything left over, not even subconsciously, that was the whole point.

[Yeah, this is a why he hasn't yet, and doesn't think he ever will, recommend people get rid of memories, even though he knows it's possible and might even help in some ways.]

You have my oath as a healer, this is all in confidence.

Ok, you clearly know some neurology. Possibly more than I do, if you managed to target the synapses for a specific set of episodic memories.

1) Can I ask how you did that? I don't need the deep technical details, I don't think. More like, is this a machine you built, or some other way I'm not able to guess?

2) May I ask more about what sorts of things are bothering you? It's possible what you're experiencing has symptoms in common with PTSD but another explanation fits better and could lead us to other ways to approach things.

[Like, oh, maybe, straight up brain damage?? He's glad, right this minute, this conversation is text rather than face to face, so he can have some distance and time to grapple with and set aside the feeling of being overwhelmed before responding.]

Wait, third question: This is something you did before you came here? Sleeper healing wouldn't be a factor?

It is a machine I built, yes. Before I arrived here, about a year and a half ago now? But I have it here with me. As far as I can tell it still works.

[He's overestimating. He's so bad at time, now, and especially the time after he started using the ray gets jumbled, either feels much longer than it was or like it was no time at all. Today it's the former.]

It's hard to pin it down the issues. It was the things you said on that network post that hit me. Trouble sleeping, nightmares when I do sleep. Real changeable mood. Bouts of... I don't know how to describe it. Dullness? I have to have a project to focus on or a goal to meet to keep me occupied or my mind turns to molasses. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing things without realizing, on reflex. Usually it's drawing eyeballs on things. Couldn't tell you why except I always feel a little bit like I'm being watched. It's always real strange things that set off the fear, too, things like a certain shade of yellow or photographs of deep space, and I couldn't tell you why either of those bother me like they do. Sometimes I don't even know exactly what it was that did it, just that suddenly my hackles are up and I'm ready to fight something or run away.

My wife left me. Because of it.

Ok. That was a great run down of symptoms, Fiddleford, thank you. Not everyone is so self aware or that honest.

I agree, with the facts are you gave them, PSTD seems to fit, aside from not having access to the related episodic memory, at least in a coherent way. Perhaps not all those symptoms truly stem somehow from the memories you zapped, but I don't currently have a better hypothesis.

[Well, paranoid delusions with no basis in reality is always a possibility, he supposes. But his life has always been strange enough he'd never start with that assumption, and all of Trench's....Trenchness, just reinforces that bias.]

You must have had a reason to be driven to the extremity to do that yourself, and it's entirely possible you could be in worse shape if you hadn't. It's not my place to judge.

All I can say with certainty at the moment is the brain, and how it interacts with the rest of your nervous system, your entire body, is very complicated. Burning away those synapses doesn't mean, say, that your amygdala wasn't altered either by the initial trauma and everything that came after. That fairly specific images arise or trigger mood shifts also makes me wonder if the episodic memory is actually entirely destroyed.

Perhaps it's more along the lines of, if you'll forgive the metaphor, that you burned the labels off the filing cabinet and jammed some of the locks, but some of the files are still in there.

I'll be blunt - all of this makes any recommendations I could make, more tenuous. But that does *not* mean we cannot find ways to give you some relief and improve your quality of life.

The metaphor helps a lot, actually.

[Well. Helps in that he understands exactly what Ezra is getting at here. Whatever he did, it wasn't as complete and final as he'd wanted. Maybe the very act of leaving himself notes after, notes telling himself where not to go and what not to do, ensured he couldn't entirely forget. It had just seemed so stupid to erase something and then leave himself open to making the exact same mistake by virtue of having forgotten. He didn't need to know why he had to stay away from Ford Pines, only that it was bad, and that he was right to leave.

And now he's gone back on that here, hasn't he? And in a weird way that makes him even less keen to remember why he left, because if he does it might destroy the friendship he's just beginning to get back.]

I know it's a complicated sort of situation. It's kind of you to talk through it with me at all and I sure don't expect you to have some sort of magic solution.

[Well. He was hoping, but you always hope for the best, brace for the worst, right?]

Maybe we tackle it in parts instead of trying to handle the whole thing. I'd settle for being able to sleep at night. That'd be a good place to start.

Sleep can only help the rest of the stuff, I agree.

May I ask if you've tried anything in particular, before? Gone to any of the healers here at all?

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