ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

[ He shakes his head. ] He might change his mind. It's too early to tell.

[ Anakin tries to keep the doubt off of his face. He knows the power of a name. He also knows that a name can be used as a clear delineation between before and after. Maybe it's easier for Obi-Wan to leave "Obi-Wan" to the time before the Purge. It hadn't occurred to him before he'd met Obi-Wan, but it seems like "Ben" was more than just an alias he used to hide from the Empire.

He tries for a small smile. ]

Door's unlocked and I have tea brewing. If you need a breather.

[ Anakin has no illusions that he can "fix" anything, but he's a good listener. And his house doesn't have memories of Obi-Wan in every corner of it. ]

[He nods, a little blindly.]

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.

I'll just...sign off. Give me a few minutes. [So he can stand in his room and be even more of a mess for a moment.]

And I'll be over.

Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

And then Ezra hangs up.

The one good thing about Obi - Ben - not being up to touching the Force, much less their fledgling bond is, Ezra thinks a little hysterically, that he's less likely to pick up on the level of upset going on in his own house.

Ezra can just...cry quietly in his room, and wash his face, and go to Anakin's house. So he does that.

***

And when Anakin opens his front door, Ezra starts off with, "You know, it's pretty dumb I'm even this upset. I spent the first several months I was here determined that I wasn't going to even ask him to teach, at all. He brought it up."

Anakin steps aside, letting Ezra in. True to his word, there's a teapot and two cups set out in the living room and a faint smell of incense drifts through the house.

"It's not stupid to be upset, Ezra. He's always been more than a teacher for you."

"...Yeah," Ezra admits as he makes a bee line for the tea pot. "And. When we talked about him teaching me here, he said it was a privilege. One he was always grateful to enact."

He sighs. "Which completely tracks. In Temba. When he was really focused on a lesson...that's when he felt the least sad."

Anakin takes a seat and lets Ezra serve himself. Although he knows how everyone in the Kenobi household takes their tea at this point, he also understands that having something to keep your hands busy when you're nervous can help.

"You're worried that he'll give up on teaching?"

He knows Obi-Wan, rather, Ben goes on to teach Luke but that is back home. Here, Luke doesn't need to be trained to keep himself alive.

"...for right now? Probably," he murmurs, he pours.

"How long that will last, I have no idea. The version n Temba - he kinda disappeared into the wilderness for about a month, and came back determined. And there were three of us, who were padawan age, there."

Anakin leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. Thoughtful.

"It's harder to keep the two of them separated now, isn't it?"

"...Yeah, it is," Ezra admits, as he passes over a cup Anakin's way. "It'll sort itself, for the most part, probably. The situations are very different in many ways; he'll have different reactions. Be shaped somewhat by circumstances."

Anakin takes the cup, letting the warmth ground him.

"It's okay to be upset, though, Ezra."

"Yeah. I know." He slumps back with his own cup. "It's a change. And one that shows how not ok he is."

Anakin leans forward, giving Ezra a searching look.

"But there's more to it for you, isn't there?"

"It's a bunch of things," Ezra deflects, not sure what Anakin is seeing. He hunches his shoulders and makes himself push through pick apart his feelings.

"The most selfish part is-" He gaze darts away. "I'm a padawan without a master. I- I wasn't ready, when Kanan died. But I couldn't fall apart. Couldn't worry about my path as a Jedi in any long term sense. I had to stay focused on the Empire and the mission. For my family, for Lothal, for the galaxy. And then...I was in Temba and by the time I'd settled in - Ben and I...we'd clicked. We'd talked about how continuing my training would be hard for both of us, but we agreed to go forward. Together. I'd hoped - I'd hoped the Force would keep us together until we were both ready for some sort of formal something, even if it wasn't the traditional way. And if it took longer for Ben to feel ready to let go, because of all the ways he believed he failed your namesake. That was fine. As long as it took."

And now he feels back practically at square one, where Obi-wan here and now is concerned. Worse, because he can not and will not expect Obi-wan to teach him anything more, much less declare his apprenticeship completed, somehow.

Technically, there are three other Knights here, he could apprentice with, he supposes. But he isn't sure if the elder Anakin even considers himself a Jedi anymore, and he does not really want to be knighted by Anakin Skywalker, either way. He feels strange talking to this Anakin about any of it, and he hasn't even tried to talk to Luke about it.

He does not begrudge Luke Skywalker or Anakin Solo their Knighthoods, but...he knows his training has tied back to the old Order and traditions in ways theirs hasn't. It doesn't make his training better, just different-

He feels like this is his path, to straddle this gap.

Anakin doesn't push. He lets Ezra pick apart his feelings and listens carefully. Hearing Ezra mention his own master makes Anakin's heart ache in sympathy.

You're never ready to lose your master.

"I could technically pick up your training but..." Anakin thinks about how to articulate this. "I'm not what -- who -- you need."

Ezra needs someone who's more experienced than he is. Wise and kind, older and more like a proper mentor. Ben from Temba. Obi-Wan from the Trench. But neither are here. And Anakin is at a loss.

He continues, gently.

"That's not a rejection, by the way. I'll help however I can."

He just wishes he could do more than be a sympathetic ear.

He does stop to really think about it, for a moment. But no, he's pretty sure he was right the first time.

"I do appreciate the thought, and we should definitely compare notes and do more Force stuff together," he says eventually. "But...I think of myself as a student of the survivors of the Purge. Does that make sense?"

Anakin nods, his eyes both kind and sad. He would help his friend however he can, but he can't change who he is or when he was born.

"It makes sense. They'll understand what you've been through better than I would."

He sighs softly.

"It's not actually important in any real sense. In Temba I had a hope that I would get to keep me memories and go back home somehow. That I could take all that knowledge and actually use it to rebuild the Order. I don't - I don't think that's how it works here."

Anakin looks down at the teacup in his hands, his expression somber.

"I know."

There's no going back from the Trench. He figured that out pretty quickly.

"I mean, I am sort of teaching the kids at the orphanage Jedi things, because I think emotional regulation is just - corruption works so much like slipping into the Dark Side." He stumbles through the half formed thoughts he's been rattle around his head the last couple ofmonth.

"Maybe we should think about the integration of blood magic with that sort of stuff more-"

Anakin nods, thoughtful.

"I've already offered to help a Darkblood with her telekinesis, since our powers overlap. I guess it's not much of a stretch to do it for other blood types."

He shrugs uncomfortably. "I'm not sure about making an Order here. But offering Jedi teachings to help people with their powers could be worthwhile."

He shrugs. "Maybe nothing so formal. Although sometimes formality can help with....passing things on? We may not ever go home, but that doesn't mean we'll be here forever, either."

Anakin thinks it over. The more people who know the Jedi teachings, the less likely it is that it'll be lost. Still, it feels like a lot to take on.

"Where would we start?"

If Ezra is set on this, Anakin will help however he can.

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