ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

Anger isn't a becoming emotion for a Jedi.

[And yet Maul always seems to bring it out of them.]

I've respected that desire. But this month there's something in my blood which makes me want to be around people.

[Something Maul clearly dislikes by the tone in his voice when he says that.]

I had hoped to find Obi-Wan here but you'll do just as well for this purpose.

[Another slow, deep breath in and out, while he checks his reasons and then shakes his head.]

No. You don't get to just blanket dismiss where my feelings are coming from with 'unbecoming for a Jedi'.

Jedi does not equal doormat.

Listen carefully: You did not ask anyone who lives here for permission to be here, and permission was not given. Therefore, your presence here in this kitchen is currently a violation of privacy. Your desire for company does not make that violation disappear.

[Maul thinks about that for a moment. Really does think about what Ezra is telling him instead of just dismissing it out of hand.]

Even if I do not have ill intent?

[It shows how stunted Maul still is emotionally in that he even needs that clarification. But Sidious never taught him boundaries. All that mattered was his will and Maul enforcing it. Conversely, Maul wasn't allowed to set his own boundaries. He's never bothered to tell people "No, I don't want that" or "Please stop" because he learned a long time ago those words wouldn't do any good. They would just be ignored and leave him still scared of what was to come next.]

[And this is why he talks to Maul, here in Trench, at all.

He smiles, very faintly, and finally steps into the kitchen. His tone shifts to conversational.]

Yes.

It's not as bad, I'll admit. But the breaking in and intent to hurt are really two separate bad things, put together.

[He moves to get himself a cup and pour some tea for himself.]

And are there reasons that trump the general expectation of privacy in a home? Sure. If someone's house is burning down and they're trapped inside, there's not really time to wait around for permission to help, for an easy example.

But breaking in just because you had a whim for company kinda sends the message 'I didn't even think about what you might want. You're just an object for my entertainment.'

[As has become the norm for conversations with Ezra, the young Jedi knows what to say to strike a chord within Maul and make it easier for him to understand social norms and boundaries that everyone else takes for granted.

Making it clear that his actions makes it seem like he was viewing people as objects is a good way to go. He's struggled with people depersonifying him throughout his entire life. Even now, here in Trench, he gets compared to an animal far more often than he would like. It bothers him a lot and now he can see why his actions might upset others doing what he does.]

Those weren't my intentions. I was actually trying to be friendly.

[As usual, the way Maul perceives things and the way 75% of everyone else in Trench view things are very different.]

But Oscar did say something a bit similar to me last Christmas.

[But they both know Maul needs consistent repetition in order to learn things that are thirty years overdue in order for him to develop emotionally.

He does note that Ezra's body language has become a bit more friendly, so he does at least understand he's doing the right thing right now.]

[Ezra sighs softly.]

I...believe you.

But I have to ask - why didn't what Oscar said make any impact?

Well, the circumstances were a bit different.

[Though the theme of Maul breaking in without ill-intent and not understanding why that was a bad thing is virtually identical.]

And you should know by now I'm a slow learner. It takes constant repetition for things to stick in my mind.

[Physical feats had been easy to learn when he was young but even Sidious had a hard time breaking down his mind and rebuilding it the way he wanted it to.]

[Ezra slumps tiredly into a chair with his tea cup in hand.]

You're not stupid, Maul.

No, I'm not.

[Maul says and there's a pleased note in his voice. He does get insulted when people here think him little more than a dumb animal. He would never have survived as long as he did if he was just a full-blown idiot.

Then he turns a bit more pensive, trying to put what he means to say clearly.]

But.....I was trained to be an assassin. When other people were learning how to interact with others as children, I was learning to to kill. So many social niceties people take for granted or the instinctive way that they approach things emotionally aren't there for me at all. I'm learning from the ground up here, things I didn't get the chance to understand or learn after the age of five years old. It is difficult and a very slow process.

I know.

And I get it - at least to some extent. The Empire took my parents on my seventh birthday, and I mostly kept to myself for years. My adopted family had to teach me a lot of this stuff. I really got on their nerves sometimes and...honestly, deliberately sometimes, just to see if they'd hurry up and ditch me.

I do have memories of a more...settled childhood now, and that helps.

[Maul nods. He doesn't know much about Ezra's past, given the only memory he really possesses from the future regarding Kanan was blinding the man, but he gets that 'feral child' mindset given he just grew from a feral, wary child with no social skills into a dangerous, psychopathic man still with no social skills.

He stays silent, staring down at his tea and doesn't look up to meet Ezra's eyes. There are emotions in him that are not easy for him to define, things that have long remained dormant and only easily come to the forefront.]

I suppose I should thank you for being patient. I know I'm not.....easy to be around.

[The understatement of the century right there.]

And I do push you sometimes just to see what will happen. But you've been trying to help me learn to become better even when the lessons are difficult and I don't want to listen.

[He looks back up.]

That's not something just anyone here can do.

[Ezra chews on his bottom lip, trying to think through how he wants to respond to that, carefully. It's a pretty massive admission from Maul, and he wants to rewards that positively - without inviting Maul to walk all over his boundaries more.]

I won't say it's easy. Sometimes I just...don't have it in me, to be that sort of patient.

But I do - honestly do - believe that it can be...worth it.

So in that sense, you're welcome.

[He offers a small, but warm smile.]

[Maul returns the smile, one that breaks up some of the harsh lines his tattoos create on his face.]

At least there has been definable progress since I started.

[A lot of what makes Maul up has been solid as bedrock for a long, long time. Breaking up all that has solidified in his mind will take a long time, perhaps the rest of his life. But it's working, slowly but surely, every time he makes a decision to be better than what Sidious turned him into.]

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