ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

You're right; it's not. I suspect-

[He pauses, and makes a gesture like he's wiping a slate clean, because he does not want to get into...so many things.]

You know what, his reasons or lack there of don't matter much.

But I can make it clear that if he wants me to continue to willingly talk to him, this is the rule - don't come to this house, period, as long as you live here. Don't leave gifts. No wiggle room. This is your Maul free zone.

[Anakin has no say in who other people choose to spend their time with. It's a fact he's had to accept over and over, but it doesn't stop him from being upset at the courtesies being extended to others that were withheld from him. Words of change rang hollow when every other action seemed to condemn him for the monster he'll become.]

If you want to talk to Maul go ahead or if you want to stop, do it for yourself. You can tell him I made you do it if you're worried how he'll react, but forget whatever I want.

[It's strange; At this point, he thinks can follow Maul-logic, to some extent, the majority of the time. Ezra may find it exasperating or enraging, or just sad, but he can follow it enough that Ezra feels reasonably confident in attempts to communicate.

Hence Ezra making this offer to Anakin, really. He legitimately believes that can communicate the boundary Anakin needs with Maul, matched with a 'stick' that might make Maul more likely to pay attention.

Following what's going on in Anakin's head though...

Still mostly a mystery. Is this an attempt to be considerate and helpful? He really can't tell.

Because somehow, to his gut, Anakin's response feels wrong. After a second of openly staring, he manages to articulate at least part of what feels wrong to him.]

Well. I know what I don't want to do. I don't want, because it's convenient, to imply that you've threatened me or something like that. To -

Paint you like a bad guy for my gain.

Everyone already knows it.

[At least everyone from their galaxy. There's no point making excuses for himself when it was completely deserved.]

You might as well use my reputation and get something out of it. But I don't need or want your interference.

[Ezra crosses his arms, frowning sharply.]

So that's it? You've just...written yourself off?

The other way round.

[More frowning.]

What do you mean?

You really think I haven't noticed people acting like it's over for me?

[More staring.]

Who is 'people'? What are they doing? Over how?

How about we start with every single one of you pushing Maul at me?

He feels bad so I just have to deal with it like I owe him this.

[It had done a lot of damage to his relationships for Anakin to see that it didn't seem to bother anyone he cared about. He couldn't control their reactions and he hadn't expected anyone to shun Maul to the extent he did, but they were all far too willing to spend time with him.]

I have never pushed Maul at you. You owe him nothing. I told him exactly what a horrible thing he'd done, and told him an apology is part of making amends, yes. Because I believe you were owed that.

But I also told him point blank right then that you didn't have to accept it or want anything to do with him. That he should send a handwritten note and go nowhere near you, so you didn't have to deal with him directly.

It's not my fault he didn't listen.

Edited (wrong word) 2023-02-18 11:44 (UTC)

I don't care what you were trying to do. Your intentions aren't any better than anyone else's. The result is still the same.

You thought he could do better and part of that involved me. That sleemo should be grateful I'm not trying to kill him and leave it at that.

It involved you because I was trying to make sure he'd let the bond go when it was it cut! That he wouldn't try again!

My intentions were to help you!

And - what does this have to do with believing people have given up on you?

Edited 2023-02-26 15:03 (UTC)

Because it's always like this! You can't say I'm not beholden to my future and at the same time do nothing but compare me to him. Or blame me for every disagreement. Or tell me it's none of my business who he's seeing.

Maul gets more leeway than I've ever had and he doesn't care about anything, but himself.

[Ezra has the distinct impression Anakin is mostly talking to someone who isn't in the room, here. None of Anakin's business, who's seeing who? Why would Anakin care who Maul is seeing? Ezra has no idea.

But Anakin is at least...saying this stuff out loud, so Ezra resolves to try to listen and figure how to address any of it, rather than scoff or turn away.]

You keep talking about your future. What 'everyone' knows about you. That you're the bad guy.

Do you remember when we met? I bowed to you as Master Skywalker. That wasn't some sort of act. I survived Vader, and knew you'd killed people here and I still hoped....still wanted-

[He blinks hard, swallowing down all those hopes.]

Has it occurred to you that the weight of expectations you're feeling may in fact be the stubborn belief that you can be one of the best of us?

[Absolutely not. Ezra may be delusional enough to think that, but no one else agrees with him.]

Is that what it is? So whenever I'm accused of something I haven't done, it's because you all want me to do better?

Of course I'm still wrong for not understanding this whole time. That's so helpful, I'll go over and make up with my murderer right now.

I don't know who's accusing you of things you haven't done or what, so I couldn't say.

I'm not trying to convince you to forgive Maul anything. You may recall, I started it with trying to figure how to get him to leave you alone.

I just...I don't believe Obi-Wan and the rest of your family here have given up on you, at all.

I didn't ask for help. He didn't even feel the need to do anything else until everyone put that in his head. So the next time you or anyone else wants to rush in, don't.

And it doesn't matter what they think. Only their actions.

[Good intentions don't erase the harm their deeds do. If it did, no one should have a problem with anything Anakin's done.]

Ok.

But...you also just told me a few minutes ago to ignore what you want, and that I should accuse you of something you didn't do.

The exact things that are hurting you? Yes?

If this is the sort of thing you're telling people who care about you of course you're going to get results that leave you unhappy.

Edited 2023-03-06 11:44 (UTC)

If you had heard I got into an argument with someone you'd assume it's my fault.

[This isn't a question.]

If I'm going to end up in that position anyway, then I'm going to do it in a way that I can live with myself.

No, Anakin, I really wouldn't assume that. Not without context.

That's what you'd tell yourself is the right thing to do, you might even try.

But your very first instinct would be to blame me.

[He knows this of even Obi-Wan so it's not an indictment when he says it.]

Even if that were true - and I don't believe it is - that's a momentary feeling. Feelings pass.

Isn't it actions that matter more? The choice to lay an impulse aside.

Not when you're not as successful at letting it pass as you think.

I'm saying I'd prefer nothing than a half hearted attempt.

[For once, real, deep anger flickers across Ezra's face. His voice drops low and cold.]

That's bullshit.

Do you hear yourself? You know how I feel better than I do? You know what I would do, before I do?

You have the arrogance to straight up make up who you think I am, and why I do the things I do. Like making up that I reach out to you, sticking it out for an entire year - that I did things like weeks of research and literally shed blood and risked pissing off Maul - for selfish reasons.

So that you can declare the version of me you imagine is not good enough. You basically laid out step by step how you're just fine writing people off without making any effort.

And finally, here's the real kicker - you. [Ezra laugh, sharply.] You have the gall to stand here and whine about how everyone has given up on you.

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