ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

Then there is very little motivation for me to learn these things. Empathy, compassion, kindness: in my experience all these produce is pain and suffering.

[As usual, Maul's stunted mind correlates goodness with a clear reward, the way that Sidious conditioned him so long to expect. As he goes on, it becomes clear he's not really talking to Ezra so much as he's rambling to himself. It provides a line that traces from where Maul ended the a Clone Wars at as a man in his thirties and how he'd ended up an embittered and worn-out old man by the time Ezra had met him.]

You let people in and they betray you. Or leave you. Almost no one likes seeing the worst side of someone, and when they come face to face with it, their first instinct is always to back away from it. The rare few that are willing to stay are eventually taken away from you whether you like it or not. There's no point in being vulnerable when you end up only being hurt.

[Another soft sigh.]

No life is without loss and suffering. Empathy, kindness, compassion - those are some of the few things in the multiverse that have the possibility to ease pain.

I've done the only caring about myself thing. I'd rather take the possibility of more pain, for the moments of feeling connected and alive. The chance to be known, even at my worst, and still be accepted. To have a family.

But that's my choice. I can't make it for you.

I had a family. They were all taken away from me!

[The fact he's forged a new one here with friends who care about him, that his brother against all odds was restored to him, doesn't diminish the pain Maul felt losing everyone he cared about in his own galaxy.]

And that is where we differ. I have spent a lifetime suffering pain. The small bits of happiness I have found here and there have never once been enough to outweigh it all, not by half. It's not worth it, to go all your life searching for something that never lasts.

[He can be awfully stubborn and set in his way of thinking. But like with most things that motivate the Sith, it's fear that primarily is the undercurrent in Maul's mind at all time. He learned the brutal, hard lesson a long time ago that any happiness he had could and would be taken away by his master. If he was always waiting for it, at least he was never surprised when it came, even if it still hurt just as much.]

[Firm and even-]

The Empire took my parents from me. I kept myself closed off and thought only about surviving and protecting myself, for years, until my first master and the rest of my new family took me in.

Letting them in, being vulnerable - they showed me the way, but I had to choose it. I had to choose it again after Malachor, rather than hold onto pain and keep doing the sort of things I'd done to stave off more pain. I could have clung to the Dark.

And again when my master died. When I was torn away from my new family by circumstance. And again when - when...I was taken from my brother by choice, and other fellow Jedi, other friends, the babies I was helping to raise, to be brought here.

My losses are part of me, but they don't make me better or worse than anyone else.

Edited 2022-04-25 21:56 (UTC)

[Maul shakes his head, looking away from the camera and off towards the side.]

For you, it seems worth it. For me, to experience years of pain and suffering that only allow me to be happy in small amounts is not worth it. To be vulnerable for me usually means someone exploiting that vulnerability and using it against me.

I have had everything taken away from me before for no other reason than someone wished to cause me pain. I have had to fight tooth and nail to gain parts of it back here. Even that is still not enough to quell the anger and pain inside.

[Tiredly-]

I've given you my perspective. There's no point in talking about it more.

I suppose not.

[He pauses.]

Do you still wish me to avoid your presence?

[An odd thing to rope back around to but Maul's not good with boundaries as they both know. He needs clear ones given, for if not he'll take a mile when someone gives him an inch.]

[He quiet for a long moment, thinking it over. Honestly trying to both examine his feelings and think it through, reasonably.

Then he sighs, softly.]

You've owed up to the thing I was furious over, and I think you do get why I was so angry.

So I guess it doesn't have to be a hard 'no, stay away from me'.

But...I'm not sure anything more than small doses would be good for either of us, either.

[Maul thinks that over for a moment and then nods. That's about all he can ask for at the moment. He's pushed Ezra pretty hard in this conversation the same way Ezra has also pushed him.]

Very well. My door is still open to you whenever you like.

That...sounds good.

[And because Ezra believes in positive reinforcement-]

Thank you.

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I completely lost this one, argh, sorry

No problemo!

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