ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

I have an idea but I need your advice.

[ Is he going to elaborate? No. ]

No promises on my advice being good advice. But go for it.

I was thinking about Mas-- Ben.

I don't think he should be alone, but I don't know if he's up to socializing a lot. So I thought... what if we get a few people and do a small dinner or something?

[ He looks uncertain. ] You've known him longer than I have. What do you think?

[He doesn't quite flinch at Anakin verbally stumbling and switching to 'Ben', but his expression flickers. He'll circle back to that shift - maybe.]

I agree he shouldn't be alone. He could...manage, but he shouldn't have to. [That, Ezra is firm about.]

I think having people who care about him around, in a low pressure way, is a good idea. If we can keep it pretty calm and happy.

[ He's still adjusting, and it's hard to let go of "Master Kenobi" in favor of "Ben." But if it makes it easier on Obi-Wan, that's what matters.

That's what he tells himself, whenever he feels a little sad about it. ]

So we'll have to keep it small. Any idea who to invite?

[He mulls it over a second.]

Anakin's the person I'm the least sure if his presence will help or hurt, but he's basically living with us again, so -

Luke, definitely we should. How small is small?

I'll ask my grandfather about it. Not inviting him wouldn't go over well, anyway.

[ He has learned that much. Though Anakin doesn't think his grandfather will be particularly interested. ]

Less than ten? That sounds manageable, right?

You asking your namesake seems like a decent plan.

I was torn between six or less, or less than ten. So let's go with less than ten.

Bail. Vyng. Padmé. Usagi.

[ He knows three of the four Ezra suggests, and trusts his judgement about Vying. ]

So that's seven or eight, depending on my grandfather. Which just leaves a time, a place, and food.

[ He runs a hand through his hair, ruffling it a bit. ] I'm missing Threepio right about now.

[ It's doable, but to say this is outside of his wheelhouse is being generous. ]

I'll ask Vying for input on feeding that many people. He's a decent cook, and his family is pretty big and has lived all in one household here, I know.

Threepio? [He's met Threepio, but still has no idea of the droid's history, really.]

[ Well, that's one thing off his (metaphorical) plate. Cooking at the orphanage has sharpened his skills a little, but he's still woefully far from a gourmet chef. ]

My mom's protocol droid. It turns out he was actually built by my grandfather, though.

[ Which is still absolutely wild to him. ]

Huh. Handed off to the Organas when your mom and your uncle were split up, maybe?

[Bail or Obi-wan would know, obviously. These aren't memories Ezra has been privy to, as something that has come up just talking, before.]

Yeah, both him and Artoo. He must've had his memory wiped at some point-- Threepio is bad at keeping secrets.

[ R2, though, is a funny little droid. Anakin is pretty sure he has a lot of secrets he'll never reveal, not even to Luke. ]

But good at dinner parties, huh? [Thinking about different kinds of protocol makes his mind skip back to the beginning of their conversation - Anakin stumbling over titles and names.]

...why'd you switch to 'Ben'? [Oh, his voice sounds small and hurt, even to his own ears. That's not how he meant that to come out, at all.]

[ Anakin looks a little sad. That memory of Obi-Wan is still raw. ]

When I called him Master Kenobi, he said he wasn't anyone's master anymore. So I asked him what he wanted to be called. He said Ben.

[ It hurt to see him like that. And it will hurt Ezra to hear it, he thinks. ]

[Ezra's expression crumples.]

...Oh.

[There's the implied rejection he's been bracing for, for months. He feels stupid and selfish, for thinking of it that way, even for a second.

Yeah, he's trying not to cry, now. He'll definitely have a full cry when he hangs up.

But he doesn't hang up, yet, just closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath in and out.

Obi-wan's hurting so much. Ezra knows that. Obi-wan accepted being told he was loved, and physical affection. Said he wouldn't dismiss focusing on life here. These are the important things to remember, he tells himself.

Things like their bond in the Force? Teaching? He has to wait, without expectations,as long as Obi-wan needs to decide whether he wants those to be part of his life again.]

[ Ezra's reaction is even worse than he expected. He doesn't need a Force bond to feel the devastation. Anakin resists the urge to apologize, to crumple with guilt that doesn't even belong to him. ]

He didn't mean permanently. I think he said "right now."

[ He's not sure that helps much, though. ]

He wasn't himself right then.

[He shakes his head, and wipes at his face.]

I - I know. He needs time. I even told him straight out if things between us needed to change, I understood. But he wasn't in any state to, uh, even think about how he feels about anything beyond just being here and alive, really. I've been letting him decide when he wants to talk, since.

[Another shuddering breath.] ...I didn't ask him what he wanted to be called.

[ He shakes his head. ] He might change his mind. It's too early to tell.

[ Anakin tries to keep the doubt off of his face. He knows the power of a name. He also knows that a name can be used as a clear delineation between before and after. Maybe it's easier for Obi-Wan to leave "Obi-Wan" to the time before the Purge. It hadn't occurred to him before he'd met Obi-Wan, but it seems like "Ben" was more than just an alias he used to hide from the Empire.

He tries for a small smile. ]

Door's unlocked and I have tea brewing. If you need a breather.

[ Anakin has no illusions that he can "fix" anything, but he's a good listener. And his house doesn't have memories of Obi-Wan in every corner of it. ]

[He nods, a little blindly.]

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.

I'll just...sign off. Give me a few minutes. [So he can stand in his room and be even more of a mess for a moment.]

And I'll be over.

Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

And then Ezra hangs up.

The one good thing about Obi - Ben - not being up to touching the Force, much less their fledgling bond is, Ezra thinks a little hysterically, that he's less likely to pick up on the level of upset going on in his own house.

Ezra can just...cry quietly in his room, and wash his face, and go to Anakin's house. So he does that.

***

And when Anakin opens his front door, Ezra starts off with, "You know, it's pretty dumb I'm even this upset. I spent the first several months I was here determined that I wasn't going to even ask him to teach, at all. He brought it up."

Anakin steps aside, letting Ezra in. True to his word, there's a teapot and two cups set out in the living room and a faint smell of incense drifts through the house.

"It's not stupid to be upset, Ezra. He's always been more than a teacher for you."

"...Yeah," Ezra admits as he makes a bee line for the tea pot. "And. When we talked about him teaching me here, he said it was a privilege. One he was always grateful to enact."

He sighs. "Which completely tracks. In Temba. When he was really focused on a lesson...that's when he felt the least sad."

Anakin takes a seat and lets Ezra serve himself. Although he knows how everyone in the Kenobi household takes their tea at this point, he also understands that having something to keep your hands busy when you're nervous can help.

"You're worried that he'll give up on teaching?"

He knows Obi-Wan, rather, Ben goes on to teach Luke but that is back home. Here, Luke doesn't need to be trained to keep himself alive.

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