ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

[How does he not screw this up? He has no idea. But Anakin asked. He won't refuse to answer.]

Being afraid of being...left.

And also...it's Obi-wan.

[Anakin isn't completely unobservant. He's noticed Ezra trying to be helpful beyond that of normal kindness. No, there's a level of investment already built in especially around Obi-Wan that colours their interactions. He'd left it alone as Ezra hadn't pushed, but maybe he shouldn't have.]

What is he to you?

[He frowns to himself, trying to figure out how to thread this needle. He starts with a firm-]

He's family.

[He keeps going, more slow and hesitant.]

The first time I saw him...it was only a recording. But he was still the first person who'd I ever heard talk about the Force. I probably wouldn't be a Jedi, or know that I could be, without that moment.

And when we actually met - I'd run from the rest of my family, to find him. I thought Maul was going to find him and kill him, and I thought I was protecting him. But instead, he saved my life. He told me what I needed to hear. He gave me a way home. [And stopped Maul. But the relief he'd felt then, just makes him sad, now. And he also just doesn't want to talk about Maul right now.]

In every time and place, he's always looked after me, and he's never steered me wrong.

Edited (ugh, missing word) 2022-05-29 02:35 (UTC)

[He doesn't mean family in the sense Obi-Wan had tried to instill in him about the rest of the Order. Nothing so wide and encompassing as an entire community, more like how Anakin saw things.

His.]

I see.

[It shouldn't bother him. He tried to get the man to let him go, but Obi-Wan would choose him in every universe and yet.

What if he did try to take him from him?]

[Ezra would argue he believes in family in both senses. He has held all of Lothal in his heart. He can hold an Order, too. It's ok if some individuals are special to you, as long as you remember the bigger picture. As long as there is balance.

But...he can guess Anakin is struggling with this conversation. He sighs.]

Obi-wan Kenobi loves Anakin Skywalker more than his own life. In every time and place I've ever been, that's always been true, too.

He should value his own life more.

Maybe. [A large part of Ezra agrees. He understands sacrifice, though.]

But I doubt he could ever love you less. Not and still be Obi-wan.

He'd still be the same.

[Maybe raising him had shaped some things, but the core of what made him had already been there by the time they met.

He'd move on from losing him.]

I don't believe he'd agree.

He wouldn't. But it's true.

[He's quiet, a moment, turning that statement over his head. Does Anakin really believe he knows Jedi Master Obi-wan Kenobi better than he knows himself? Self-knowledge is probably never perfect, even for Jedi, who strive for it. And of course sometimes the people closest to us see things we don't -

But that seems a very big thing for Anakin to believe he is right about, while Obi-wan is wrong. A type of arrogance, maybe.

This...doesn't feel like arrogance to Ezra, though. More like, oh, fear. Anakin needs to believe this isn't true. The alternative is too horrible, somehow.]

Anakin. [Very gently-] Would it be such a terrible thing, for him to love you that much?

Isn't it obvious?

[He ruined his life, betrayed every ideal that Obi-Wan had tried to instill in him. The loss of everything dear to him would be easier to bear if it were at the hands of someone that meant nothing to him.]

You think it would make things easier.

I think it would make Obi-wan...smaller. His ability to love is so much of his strength. He's more himself with people to love, around him. [It's part of why Ezra has been sticking close to him.]

To cut his love for you out of himself...

What does it matter when there's no one left to love?

[He would suffer less and that's all Anakin could ask for.]

That will never, ever be true for him. Leaving aside that he's here, so he's in no way alone -

You've met your son.

[He still considers everything here a temporary distraction before they go back to their respective places.]

And you think one person could ever compare to everyone else he's lost?

[Whereas Ezra has revised his own theories about this particular place works, based on how Obi-wan got new memories, and his conclusion is they will never physically go back where they came from. Their minds may get 'updates' - their outward forms following suite - but this is home now.]

There's no comparison. No...replacing everyone and everything lost.

A light in the darkness and a reason to keep going - yes.

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