ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

[Maul isn't about to agree, ready to point out that he feels the Light from Anakin through their connection but he hasn't been screeching about it burning his very being or anything like that.

But then Ezra compares him to Sidious and it's like a bucket of cold water gets dumped on him. There's a stricken look on his face as surely as if he's been run through with a lightsaber, a look only a few here in Trench have ever seen. He can barely speak and when he does it sounds like he's in pain.]

What.....what did you say?

[The Dark burning his being is pretty much exactly how Ezra has interpreted Anakin's plea for help, and that had been reinforced by their more private conversation over the network.

Coolly, but less ice cold, Ezra continues.]

Ah. So treating people like your old master does isn't something you actually aspire to.

I'd say it's my mistake, but I'm calling it like it see it. You've even targeted the same man. If he could have siphoned power from Anakin Skywalker and gotten the satisfaction of his pain, without having to deal with him personally, to mold him into his attack dog, would he have picked that option, do you think?

[Maul doesn't answer but he already knew the answer was yes. This echoes what Usagi had told him regarding how he was treating Peter, asking how he would have felt if Sidious had hollowed him out and left him just a shell, though she had been much more brutal with what she'd said to him. It's like looking into a mirror right now and seeing his master's shadowy figure there instead of his own face.

Finally, this has been put into terms Maul can understand. While true remorse is still beyond him for the act, given his hatred of Anakin in general, he does feel a small bit of regret now for what he's done. He pauses for so long it seems like he's completely forgotten Ezra is on the other end of the line. In truth, he's aware of the young Jedi, he's just also deep in thought.

He comes to a conclusion, nodding to himself firmly. When he speaks, his voice is barely audible.]

What must I do to make amends?

[Ezra's startled silent for a moment.

That...worked? That actually worked?

Then he's mentally scrambling, trying to figure out hot to answer without screwing this moment up.]

I can't speak for Anakin. He may want less than nothing to do with you, no matter how sincere you are.

Step one of making amends is usually - if the harm is still happening, and there's a way for your actions to help make it better, without doing more harm, you do that. In this case, if and when something makes the bond break...you let it go. Let it wither away, so it stops hurting Anakin.

Then you can attempt an apology. You want to do it in a way that doesn't guilt someone or otherwise put a lot of pressure on them to accept it, because that's their choice to make. I'd say something written, in a way that Anakin doesn't have to reply to it, maybe? But I don't really know him well enough to know what would be most comfortable to him.

And then, maybe the most important part - you figure out what your mistake was, and what led you to it, and resolve not to do it again. If you need help figure it out, or to steer you away from that kind of mistake again, ask for help.

[Maul listens, nodding at the steps that Ezra outlines. The first one he can at least get behind. But the rest makes him scowl. He folds his arms and a stubborn cast comes over his face.]

Skywalker won't want an apology. He'll want revenge. And before you say it, yes, revenge isn't the Jedi way but he's never been a very good Jedi to begin with. All he's wanted ever since we first met and I had to kill him was my head on a pike. I'm not going to apologize to someone who will just throw it back in my face and tell me I'm a monster who deserves to die.

[Obi-Wan, on the other hand....maybe Maul should say something to him and not just because of his lingering affections for the man. He'd betrayed his trust right after his longtime foe had shown him a great measure of it to him. He'll turn that over carefully in his mind.

At the last part, he goes silent again. Maul's not very eloquent, often saying the exact wrong thing, and so at moments like this he starts thinking hard over what he wants to say.]

I think....I think my mistake was being seduced by the idea of power again. The Light Side promotes peace and passive action. The Dark always whispers of action, to gain more power and serve its will. The problem is that I was taught for so long to serve my own will that I often have no idea on what the right course of action is. I have nothing in the way of a moral compass and only a rudimentary understanding of things like empathy and compassion.

[Ezra manages to not sigh, since that'll carry over the audio but he does rub at his face in frustration.]

I agree that Anakin's probably not gonna take an apology well - which is why I suggested finding a way to do it that isn't any kind of immediate and face to face - but I think you're missing some of the point of an apology.

I'll...get to the rest of what you said in a minute, that's all important, too.

First, apologies do...a few things. They can help smooth over a relationship. Basically, fat chance of that, here. And sometimes people say apologies aren't for the person giving the apology and, hmmm. I dunno. That's not quite right, I don't think.

You shouldn't force your apology onto someone to make yourself feel better, no. But it's still...part of the self improvement. I think it's good to take that step to confront the mistake. Even if it's hard. In the long run, hopefully it'll help you move on.

And I think you should give Anakin an apology because he deserves it, and it could help him move on, too. Maybe it won't. Maybe he'll stew on it forever. But that'll be his choice.

[Maul actually listens but Ezra's words do little to sway his opinion.]

You're not really providing me a whole lot of incentive in wanting to attempt something this difficult.

[For once, Maul is honestly not trying to be difficult, and it shows in the mild tone of his voice, even if his face keeps a stubborn cast to it.

Maul just knows himself well enough to understand he rarely does anything without the promise of reward no matter how small that is. As a child, it had been avoiding punishments that his master so often unfairly doled out. As an adult, it has most often been the satisfaction of taking revenge on someone. Here, he sees no incentive to attempt something this hard and difficult when there's nothing to be gained by his apology, not even self-satisfaction.]

[This is so hard. Why is this his job?

...no, he's a Jedi. He may fail at guiding Maul to a better path, but he's not ready to give up yet, just because it's difficult.

He takes a deep, audible breath.]

Why did you ask me how to make amends? What did you want in that moment?

Did you want me to pat you on the head and give you an easy answer so you could stop feeling as bad? Or did you want something else?

I seek balance.

[Maul says simply. The Jedi and the Sith may differ in many respects but they both believe in that at their core tenants.]

But I am not so noble yet as most Jedi are-- [Just a hint of sarcasm there, though it's hard to tell.] --as to be alright with sitting there and being yelled at by a whiny, petulant man with the emotional range of a teaspoon and the maturity of a child for trying to apologize.

[Well, Ezra can get behind that goal.]

Did I say you have to sit and be yelled at? I don't think that would really help either of you towards balance.

In fact, I'd recommend bypassing the network entirely. Write him a handwritten note. Ask someone else to deliver it. No direct contact.

......I'll consider it.

[Maul's being pushed out of his comfort zone a lot right now and can't make more of a commitment to a course of action than that. The terse words are the most he'll acquiesce to at the moment.]

Ok.

[He's pretty sure he's reached the point where pushing more about the apology won't help.]

I have a question, and I'm not trying to like...catch you out of anything because I'm honestly not sure what you mean. It's not a phrase I remember hearing or reading in my training.

What did you mean by passive action?

[It takes him a moment to place what Ezra is referring to. Once he realizes what he said, Maul is quick to answer.]

It is simple. Those on the Dark Side tend to act while those on the Light Side react instead.

[How to say this nicely?]

Hmmmm, I think your upbringing has skewed your perspective.

Compassion isn't usually forceful, true. But it isn't passive. It takes practice. Commitment when you don't feel like being nice.

But sometimes it's taking action and speaking out when there's injustice. Or helping someone get to a place where they can act for themselves.

[Maul snorts as if what Ezra is saying sounds absolutely ridiculous to his ears.]

Perhaps that is the case in the time when you are a Jedi. But not so with the order I am familiar with.

Those Jedi have become so secular and drawn inwards that they do not react to the things around them that they should be paying attention to. They are more concerned with things like their old rituals to realize that following such a line of thinking for a thousands years without change has caused them to completely stagnate.

If they had paid attention to the galaxy around them asa whole, my master would not have been able to play them all like puppets on a string and then organize a massacre none of them saw until it was too late.

[There's a pause of silence while Ezra fights the impulse to snarl back before he replies, tone a little sharp-]

It's funny - Savage has called Jedi butchers and murderers who are all about control.

Which, to me, seems pretty much the opposite of an insular and passive people who aren't involved in the galaxy.

My brother is not wrong. They only reacted to the decay and corruption in the galaxy when it was too late to make any effective changes. They reached for control but had no idea how to create the changes they wanted to, entrenched as they were in a way of life that was no longer feasible.

Instead, they sacrificed millions of lives, justifying the means to reach an end which never came. The only person who won in the end was my master. I wonder if the few Jedi who survived ever thought back and realized what they did in wartime was never worth the cost.

Uhuh. That all sounds like a very convenient narrative that pins a wide range of ills on people who did their best for the galaxy and largely ignoring that Sidious manufactured the war, for his own power and to justify the genocide of one of the groups he could be certain would oppose him once they saw the truth of his actions.

He keeps doing that, by the way. Wiping out entire planets and peoples, especially those known for their Force sensitivity.

[With heavy sarcasm-] Guess they must have all been terrible people who deserved it.

And-

All of this is irrelevant to the actual conversation at hand. Which is your perception of what it means to have empathy and compassion. There are plenty of non-Jedi people around here to learn from.

Their best was not good enough. Not by half. [There's something.....odd in the way Maul says that, almost like he's taken the failings of the Jedi personally. There's echoes of his past there, very old ones that go all the way back to being a small child under Sidious' care.] And all it proves is my point. My master had a plan and put it into effect long ago. He won in the end and it just proves my point. He acted aggressively and got what he wanted. Had the Jedi done the same, perhaps they would not have been wiped out.

[Maul's eyes and voice both go cold with anger.]

What I have learned, both in the galaxy at large and here in this town, is that most people talk about empathy and compassion when it is convenient for them but will discard those lovely sentiments the moment it is too hard to hold onto those precious morals.

Maul -

[Ezra sighs.]

Trying to do the right thing - it doesn't grant omniscience. Or victory. It doesn't guarantee anything.

It doesn't have to be perfect. We all fall short of our ideals and make mistakes.

It's just better than the alternative of not trying at all. Because not caring about anything but survival's an empty life, I know I don't want to go back to. And the rush of power's just a temporary fix for that same emptiness.

Then there is very little motivation for me to learn these things. Empathy, compassion, kindness: in my experience all these produce is pain and suffering.

[As usual, Maul's stunted mind correlates goodness with a clear reward, the way that Sidious conditioned him so long to expect. As he goes on, it becomes clear he's not really talking to Ezra so much as he's rambling to himself. It provides a line that traces from where Maul ended the a Clone Wars at as a man in his thirties and how he'd ended up an embittered and worn-out old man by the time Ezra had met him.]

You let people in and they betray you. Or leave you. Almost no one likes seeing the worst side of someone, and when they come face to face with it, their first instinct is always to back away from it. The rare few that are willing to stay are eventually taken away from you whether you like it or not. There's no point in being vulnerable when you end up only being hurt.

[Another soft sigh.]

No life is without loss and suffering. Empathy, kindness, compassion - those are some of the few things in the multiverse that have the possibility to ease pain.

I've done the only caring about myself thing. I'd rather take the possibility of more pain, for the moments of feeling connected and alive. The chance to be known, even at my worst, and still be accepted. To have a family.

But that's my choice. I can't make it for you.

I had a family. They were all taken away from me!

[The fact he's forged a new one here with friends who care about him, that his brother against all odds was restored to him, doesn't diminish the pain Maul felt losing everyone he cared about in his own galaxy.]

And that is where we differ. I have spent a lifetime suffering pain. The small bits of happiness I have found here and there have never once been enough to outweigh it all, not by half. It's not worth it, to go all your life searching for something that never lasts.

[He can be awfully stubborn and set in his way of thinking. But like with most things that motivate the Sith, it's fear that primarily is the undercurrent in Maul's mind at all time. He learned the brutal, hard lesson a long time ago that any happiness he had could and would be taken away by his master. If he was always waiting for it, at least he was never surprised when it came, even if it still hurt just as much.]

[Firm and even-]

The Empire took my parents from me. I kept myself closed off and thought only about surviving and protecting myself, for years, until my first master and the rest of my new family took me in.

Letting them in, being vulnerable - they showed me the way, but I had to choose it. I had to choose it again after Malachor, rather than hold onto pain and keep doing the sort of things I'd done to stave off more pain. I could have clung to the Dark.

And again when my master died. When I was torn away from my new family by circumstance. And again when - when...I was taken from my brother by choice, and other fellow Jedi, other friends, the babies I was helping to raise, to be brought here.

My losses are part of me, but they don't make me better or worse than anyone else.

Edited 2022-04-25 21:56 (UTC)

[Maul shakes his head, looking away from the camera and off towards the side.]

For you, it seems worth it. For me, to experience years of pain and suffering that only allow me to be happy in small amounts is not worth it. To be vulnerable for me usually means someone exploiting that vulnerability and using it against me.

I have had everything taken away from me before for no other reason than someone wished to cause me pain. I have had to fight tooth and nail to gain parts of it back here. Even that is still not enough to quell the anger and pain inside.

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I completely lost this one, argh, sorry

No problemo!

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