ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

What sort of proof? That something won't happen is a negative that can't necessarily be proved. You could be here years, decades, however long Sleepers exist in this sliver of reality.

In the meantime, how is believing you have an inevitable fate effecting what you do, here and now?

The minute I hear about anyone else going back to their home universe and experiencing a different future than what they might have seen here, I'll believe.

[He's sure he's not the only one to have seen their future here in the city.]

It doesn't. What happens at the end doesn't effect the here and now.

Good. [He's just gonna take that all at face value for right now. Maul's marginally less fatalistic than Anakin, then, maybe.]

Did I answer your question to your satisfaction?

Well enough. Now I just wonder where this leaves the two of us. You think I haven't changed, that I am just the way I am when you knew me.

[Maul knows what he does to Ezra in his future, enough at least to be aware he used the boy the same way he tended to use everyone else. But that's not only who he is anymore, not after two years of unlearning so much of what had turned him into the weapon he's spent so long as.]

I don't believe you're just the way I remember, actually. Or I never would have willingly set foot in your house.

But you burned a lot of benefit of the doubt, forcing a bond on Anakin. Too much for me to want spend time with you, and enough to make me wary of how else you might hurt people you have a use for.

Don't expect me to feel regret for that. I've done far worse than that to get what I wanted and never lost a night's sleep over it. Last time the Sleepers were horrified by something I did, several decided to make me a scapegoat while they hid their own insidious motivations and cursing me after I'd already accepted suitable punishment was the way to get through to me. Such methods of condemnation and attempting to foster guilt in me do not work.

[All they do is make Maul dig in his heels and refuse to ever consider change. He can be frightfully stubborn and hard-headed when he so chooses to be.]

Then the month after we came here, I was simply minding my own business and they decided I must have been the one to kill the first Sleeper when Skywalker did so. He deliberately let the blame be pinned on me. When I forced him to confess, all I heard was that I had done it in the "wrong way." They call me a monster when I act as I always have and tell me I still need to change further when I attempt to do better. There was precious little motivation for me to continue up until recently.

[What a hot load of irrelevant self-justifying drivel. Obi-wan was right. Maul just doesn't have what it takes to learn, does he?

Disappointing, really, because Ezra knows Maul's not actually stupid.

All right, he'll try one more time.

The padawan's voice drops to colder-]

Have you really done worse before? Truly? Forcibly violating someone's very soul, on an ongoing basis - leaving them in Darkness that they can't get away from, even by dying or killing you?

And you know, I think Obi-wan honestly believed you wouldn't hurt him again? But that a blow – visiting that kind of torment on the person whom he loves most.

Do you think Sidious would be proud, if he could see it? All that cruelty, and you come out with a bit more power.

[Maul isn't about to agree, ready to point out that he feels the Light from Anakin through their connection but he hasn't been screeching about it burning his very being or anything like that.

But then Ezra compares him to Sidious and it's like a bucket of cold water gets dumped on him. There's a stricken look on his face as surely as if he's been run through with a lightsaber, a look only a few here in Trench have ever seen. He can barely speak and when he does it sounds like he's in pain.]

What.....what did you say?

[The Dark burning his being is pretty much exactly how Ezra has interpreted Anakin's plea for help, and that had been reinforced by their more private conversation over the network.

Coolly, but less ice cold, Ezra continues.]

Ah. So treating people like your old master does isn't something you actually aspire to.

I'd say it's my mistake, but I'm calling it like it see it. You've even targeted the same man. If he could have siphoned power from Anakin Skywalker and gotten the satisfaction of his pain, without having to deal with him personally, to mold him into his attack dog, would he have picked that option, do you think?

[Maul doesn't answer but he already knew the answer was yes. This echoes what Usagi had told him regarding how he was treating Peter, asking how he would have felt if Sidious had hollowed him out and left him just a shell, though she had been much more brutal with what she'd said to him. It's like looking into a mirror right now and seeing his master's shadowy figure there instead of his own face.

Finally, this has been put into terms Maul can understand. While true remorse is still beyond him for the act, given his hatred of Anakin in general, he does feel a small bit of regret now for what he's done. He pauses for so long it seems like he's completely forgotten Ezra is on the other end of the line. In truth, he's aware of the young Jedi, he's just also deep in thought.

He comes to a conclusion, nodding to himself firmly. When he speaks, his voice is barely audible.]

What must I do to make amends?

[Ezra's startled silent for a moment.

That...worked? That actually worked?

Then he's mentally scrambling, trying to figure out hot to answer without screwing this moment up.]

I can't speak for Anakin. He may want less than nothing to do with you, no matter how sincere you are.

Step one of making amends is usually - if the harm is still happening, and there's a way for your actions to help make it better, without doing more harm, you do that. In this case, if and when something makes the bond break...you let it go. Let it wither away, so it stops hurting Anakin.

Then you can attempt an apology. You want to do it in a way that doesn't guilt someone or otherwise put a lot of pressure on them to accept it, because that's their choice to make. I'd say something written, in a way that Anakin doesn't have to reply to it, maybe? But I don't really know him well enough to know what would be most comfortable to him.

And then, maybe the most important part - you figure out what your mistake was, and what led you to it, and resolve not to do it again. If you need help figure it out, or to steer you away from that kind of mistake again, ask for help.

[Maul listens, nodding at the steps that Ezra outlines. The first one he can at least get behind. But the rest makes him scowl. He folds his arms and a stubborn cast comes over his face.]

Skywalker won't want an apology. He'll want revenge. And before you say it, yes, revenge isn't the Jedi way but he's never been a very good Jedi to begin with. All he's wanted ever since we first met and I had to kill him was my head on a pike. I'm not going to apologize to someone who will just throw it back in my face and tell me I'm a monster who deserves to die.

[Obi-Wan, on the other hand....maybe Maul should say something to him and not just because of his lingering affections for the man. He'd betrayed his trust right after his longtime foe had shown him a great measure of it to him. He'll turn that over carefully in his mind.

At the last part, he goes silent again. Maul's not very eloquent, often saying the exact wrong thing, and so at moments like this he starts thinking hard over what he wants to say.]

I think....I think my mistake was being seduced by the idea of power again. The Light Side promotes peace and passive action. The Dark always whispers of action, to gain more power and serve its will. The problem is that I was taught for so long to serve my own will that I often have no idea on what the right course of action is. I have nothing in the way of a moral compass and only a rudimentary understanding of things like empathy and compassion.

[Ezra manages to not sigh, since that'll carry over the audio but he does rub at his face in frustration.]

I agree that Anakin's probably not gonna take an apology well - which is why I suggested finding a way to do it that isn't any kind of immediate and face to face - but I think you're missing some of the point of an apology.

I'll...get to the rest of what you said in a minute, that's all important, too.

First, apologies do...a few things. They can help smooth over a relationship. Basically, fat chance of that, here. And sometimes people say apologies aren't for the person giving the apology and, hmmm. I dunno. That's not quite right, I don't think.

You shouldn't force your apology onto someone to make yourself feel better, no. But it's still...part of the self improvement. I think it's good to take that step to confront the mistake. Even if it's hard. In the long run, hopefully it'll help you move on.

And I think you should give Anakin an apology because he deserves it, and it could help him move on, too. Maybe it won't. Maybe he'll stew on it forever. But that'll be his choice.

[Maul actually listens but Ezra's words do little to sway his opinion.]

You're not really providing me a whole lot of incentive in wanting to attempt something this difficult.

[For once, Maul is honestly not trying to be difficult, and it shows in the mild tone of his voice, even if his face keeps a stubborn cast to it.

Maul just knows himself well enough to understand he rarely does anything without the promise of reward no matter how small that is. As a child, it had been avoiding punishments that his master so often unfairly doled out. As an adult, it has most often been the satisfaction of taking revenge on someone. Here, he sees no incentive to attempt something this hard and difficult when there's nothing to be gained by his apology, not even self-satisfaction.]

[This is so hard. Why is this his job?

...no, he's a Jedi. He may fail at guiding Maul to a better path, but he's not ready to give up yet, just because it's difficult.

He takes a deep, audible breath.]

Why did you ask me how to make amends? What did you want in that moment?

Did you want me to pat you on the head and give you an easy answer so you could stop feeling as bad? Or did you want something else?

I seek balance.

[Maul says simply. The Jedi and the Sith may differ in many respects but they both believe in that at their core tenants.]

But I am not so noble yet as most Jedi are-- [Just a hint of sarcasm there, though it's hard to tell.] --as to be alright with sitting there and being yelled at by a whiny, petulant man with the emotional range of a teaspoon and the maturity of a child for trying to apologize.

[Well, Ezra can get behind that goal.]

Did I say you have to sit and be yelled at? I don't think that would really help either of you towards balance.

In fact, I'd recommend bypassing the network entirely. Write him a handwritten note. Ask someone else to deliver it. No direct contact.

......I'll consider it.

[Maul's being pushed out of his comfort zone a lot right now and can't make more of a commitment to a course of action than that. The terse words are the most he'll acquiesce to at the moment.]

Ok.

[He's pretty sure he's reached the point where pushing more about the apology won't help.]

I have a question, and I'm not trying to like...catch you out of anything because I'm honestly not sure what you mean. It's not a phrase I remember hearing or reading in my training.

What did you mean by passive action?

[It takes him a moment to place what Ezra is referring to. Once he realizes what he said, Maul is quick to answer.]

It is simple. Those on the Dark Side tend to act while those on the Light Side react instead.

[How to say this nicely?]

Hmmmm, I think your upbringing has skewed your perspective.

Compassion isn't usually forceful, true. But it isn't passive. It takes practice. Commitment when you don't feel like being nice.

But sometimes it's taking action and speaking out when there's injustice. Or helping someone get to a place where they can act for themselves.

[Maul snorts as if what Ezra is saying sounds absolutely ridiculous to his ears.]

Perhaps that is the case in the time when you are a Jedi. But not so with the order I am familiar with.

Those Jedi have become so secular and drawn inwards that they do not react to the things around them that they should be paying attention to. They are more concerned with things like their old rituals to realize that following such a line of thinking for a thousands years without change has caused them to completely stagnate.

If they had paid attention to the galaxy around them asa whole, my master would not have been able to play them all like puppets on a string and then organize a massacre none of them saw until it was too late.

[There's a pause of silence while Ezra fights the impulse to snarl back before he replies, tone a little sharp-]

It's funny - Savage has called Jedi butchers and murderers who are all about control.

Which, to me, seems pretty much the opposite of an insular and passive people who aren't involved in the galaxy.

My brother is not wrong. They only reacted to the decay and corruption in the galaxy when it was too late to make any effective changes. They reached for control but had no idea how to create the changes they wanted to, entrenched as they were in a way of life that was no longer feasible.

Instead, they sacrificed millions of lives, justifying the means to reach an end which never came. The only person who won in the end was my master. I wonder if the few Jedi who survived ever thought back and realized what they did in wartime was never worth the cost.

Uhuh. That all sounds like a very convenient narrative that pins a wide range of ills on people who did their best for the galaxy and largely ignoring that Sidious manufactured the war, for his own power and to justify the genocide of one of the groups he could be certain would oppose him once they saw the truth of his actions.

He keeps doing that, by the way. Wiping out entire planets and peoples, especially those known for their Force sensitivity.

[With heavy sarcasm-] Guess they must have all been terrible people who deserved it.

And-

All of this is irrelevant to the actual conversation at hand. Which is your perception of what it means to have empathy and compassion. There are plenty of non-Jedi people around here to learn from.

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I completely lost this one, argh, sorry

No problemo!

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