ezra_of_lothal | Deer Country Inbox

[He figures Ezra would answer with a tone like that but he knows he'll be able to keep the Jedi on the line with what else he has to say.]

Because in December I had the chance to see memories from my future. Not just my death at the hands of Obi-Wan, which I already knew, but others. Including meeting a certain young Jedi apprentice on Malachor when I am an old man.

[Is this why he stuck to video - he can keep up the disinterested tone, even while his stomach feels like it's sinking.]

So, what? You've sitting on that information, waiting for when you think dropping it will get you what you want?

[Maul visibly struggles with his temper for a moment and it's clear it is taking everything in him not to tell Ezra to can the attitude.]

Am I asking you for anything right now? No. It was a very large swath of memories dumped into my mind at once. I've been sorting them out for months now. What I want to know is why you didn't bother to say anything either.

[He's quiet a second, and his tone shifts softer.]

Having the determined attention of Maul, formerly Darth, wasn't - after the initial rush - something I actually wanted. I didn't want to inspire a repeat of that experience while I was trying to figure out who you are, here and now. Better I be some random padawan.

And also you deserve to make your choices without feeling the weight of a future that might never happen for you. Look at Anakin and Obi-wan - knowing things isn't doing them any favors, is it?

[That....actually makes a very large amount of sense to Maul, so he can't really protest that first part very much.]

You assume much about someone who is twenty years behind you in the timeline.

[That span of time certainly did a lot to change Maul's personality, though clearly quite a bit has been static for an even longer amount of time now, ever since Maul was a young child. Maul decides not to mention the fact he's been manipulating one or two teenagers here for the exact same reasons as he did Ezra pretty much since the moment he'd arrived in Deerington. After all, Usagi has mostly made him stop all that, and he has become much more altruistic as a teacher to those who wish to learn.]

I've known my final end at the hands of Obi-Wan for a long time now. That is nothing new.

[He sounds resigned. For a long time, all Maul has wanted is to either kill his old foe or to die by his hands. Only since he came to Trench has he been able to even start to put that desire past him.]

I've been trying not to make assumptions, while still being cautious.

Well, I don't believe that just because it happened that way in my past, it has to happen that way in your future. [He's not convinces anyone actually goes back to their native timelines, from here.]

It certainly wasn't inevitable in my time. It was a choice that version of you made, to use me, to get to Master Kenobi.

Oh, you have been making assumptions about me since you first crawled out of the sea, that much is clear. Don't lie, it's not becoming of a Jedi.

[Maul shakes his head and his tone is stubborn.]

Some things are inevitable and my death at Obi-Wan's hands is one of them if I ever go back. It has been emphasized to me more than ever since we ended up in Deerington together. Our fates have been and always will be bound together. Like two moms circling the same planet. Never far from one another and within the same orbit.

[He rolls his eyes to himself, but Maul does not seem inclined to actually listen to him.]

How do you think this all actually works? I'm genuinely curious. Do you believe we go back, without any memory of this place?

I know because that's exactly what happened to me. When Deerington collapsed into dust, I had no intention of going back to my galaxy, not with my brother now alive again. In the journey that brought me to Trench, I went back and experienced several more months until the final day of the Clone Wars. I remembered nothing of my time until I washed up on the beach with everyone else.

[No wonder Maul is being a bit of a fatalist right now.]

Hmmm. Do you know of anyone who has gone, had an experience like that, come back, since?

Because...we're reincarning squids now. Are we sure anyone actually ever goes back?

In Deerington, it happened several times. Here, I am not so certain. I know of at least one man who returned to the ocean and a new version of him showed up almost immediately with no memory of ever being here before. But no one seems to know what happens when we go back into the ocean.

I certainly don't have all the answers.

But partly parallel yet partly diverging timelines definitely exist in some circumstances.

And the changes we go the on a physical and spiritual - I dunno. That's significant stuff.

My point is, I'm not sure we can assume, either way, what our futures look like.

I'll believe that when I see actual proof. I've seen too much in my own life not to think some fates are inevitable.

What sort of proof? That something won't happen is a negative that can't necessarily be proved. You could be here years, decades, however long Sleepers exist in this sliver of reality.

In the meantime, how is believing you have an inevitable fate effecting what you do, here and now?

The minute I hear about anyone else going back to their home universe and experiencing a different future than what they might have seen here, I'll believe.

[He's sure he's not the only one to have seen their future here in the city.]

It doesn't. What happens at the end doesn't effect the here and now.

Good. [He's just gonna take that all at face value for right now. Maul's marginally less fatalistic than Anakin, then, maybe.]

Did I answer your question to your satisfaction?

Well enough. Now I just wonder where this leaves the two of us. You think I haven't changed, that I am just the way I am when you knew me.

[Maul knows what he does to Ezra in his future, enough at least to be aware he used the boy the same way he tended to use everyone else. But that's not only who he is anymore, not after two years of unlearning so much of what had turned him into the weapon he's spent so long as.]

I don't believe you're just the way I remember, actually. Or I never would have willingly set foot in your house.

But you burned a lot of benefit of the doubt, forcing a bond on Anakin. Too much for me to want spend time with you, and enough to make me wary of how else you might hurt people you have a use for.

Don't expect me to feel regret for that. I've done far worse than that to get what I wanted and never lost a night's sleep over it. Last time the Sleepers were horrified by something I did, several decided to make me a scapegoat while they hid their own insidious motivations and cursing me after I'd already accepted suitable punishment was the way to get through to me. Such methods of condemnation and attempting to foster guilt in me do not work.

[All they do is make Maul dig in his heels and refuse to ever consider change. He can be frightfully stubborn and hard-headed when he so chooses to be.]

Then the month after we came here, I was simply minding my own business and they decided I must have been the one to kill the first Sleeper when Skywalker did so. He deliberately let the blame be pinned on me. When I forced him to confess, all I heard was that I had done it in the "wrong way." They call me a monster when I act as I always have and tell me I still need to change further when I attempt to do better. There was precious little motivation for me to continue up until recently.

[What a hot load of irrelevant self-justifying drivel. Obi-wan was right. Maul just doesn't have what it takes to learn, does he?

Disappointing, really, because Ezra knows Maul's not actually stupid.

All right, he'll try one more time.

The padawan's voice drops to colder-]

Have you really done worse before? Truly? Forcibly violating someone's very soul, on an ongoing basis - leaving them in Darkness that they can't get away from, even by dying or killing you?

And you know, I think Obi-wan honestly believed you wouldn't hurt him again? But that a blow – visiting that kind of torment on the person whom he loves most.

Do you think Sidious would be proud, if he could see it? All that cruelty, and you come out with a bit more power.

[Maul isn't about to agree, ready to point out that he feels the Light from Anakin through their connection but he hasn't been screeching about it burning his very being or anything like that.

But then Ezra compares him to Sidious and it's like a bucket of cold water gets dumped on him. There's a stricken look on his face as surely as if he's been run through with a lightsaber, a look only a few here in Trench have ever seen. He can barely speak and when he does it sounds like he's in pain.]

What.....what did you say?

[The Dark burning his being is pretty much exactly how Ezra has interpreted Anakin's plea for help, and that had been reinforced by their more private conversation over the network.

Coolly, but less ice cold, Ezra continues.]

Ah. So treating people like your old master does isn't something you actually aspire to.

I'd say it's my mistake, but I'm calling it like it see it. You've even targeted the same man. If he could have siphoned power from Anakin Skywalker and gotten the satisfaction of his pain, without having to deal with him personally, to mold him into his attack dog, would he have picked that option, do you think?

[Maul doesn't answer but he already knew the answer was yes. This echoes what Usagi had told him regarding how he was treating Peter, asking how he would have felt if Sidious had hollowed him out and left him just a shell, though she had been much more brutal with what she'd said to him. It's like looking into a mirror right now and seeing his master's shadowy figure there instead of his own face.

Finally, this has been put into terms Maul can understand. While true remorse is still beyond him for the act, given his hatred of Anakin in general, he does feel a small bit of regret now for what he's done. He pauses for so long it seems like he's completely forgotten Ezra is on the other end of the line. In truth, he's aware of the young Jedi, he's just also deep in thought.

He comes to a conclusion, nodding to himself firmly. When he speaks, his voice is barely audible.]

What must I do to make amends?

[Ezra's startled silent for a moment.

That...worked? That actually worked?

Then he's mentally scrambling, trying to figure out hot to answer without screwing this moment up.]

I can't speak for Anakin. He may want less than nothing to do with you, no matter how sincere you are.

Step one of making amends is usually - if the harm is still happening, and there's a way for your actions to help make it better, without doing more harm, you do that. In this case, if and when something makes the bond break...you let it go. Let it wither away, so it stops hurting Anakin.

Then you can attempt an apology. You want to do it in a way that doesn't guilt someone or otherwise put a lot of pressure on them to accept it, because that's their choice to make. I'd say something written, in a way that Anakin doesn't have to reply to it, maybe? But I don't really know him well enough to know what would be most comfortable to him.

And then, maybe the most important part - you figure out what your mistake was, and what led you to it, and resolve not to do it again. If you need help figure it out, or to steer you away from that kind of mistake again, ask for help.

[Maul listens, nodding at the steps that Ezra outlines. The first one he can at least get behind. But the rest makes him scowl. He folds his arms and a stubborn cast comes over his face.]

Skywalker won't want an apology. He'll want revenge. And before you say it, yes, revenge isn't the Jedi way but he's never been a very good Jedi to begin with. All he's wanted ever since we first met and I had to kill him was my head on a pike. I'm not going to apologize to someone who will just throw it back in my face and tell me I'm a monster who deserves to die.

[Obi-Wan, on the other hand....maybe Maul should say something to him and not just because of his lingering affections for the man. He'd betrayed his trust right after his longtime foe had shown him a great measure of it to him. He'll turn that over carefully in his mind.

At the last part, he goes silent again. Maul's not very eloquent, often saying the exact wrong thing, and so at moments like this he starts thinking hard over what he wants to say.]

I think....I think my mistake was being seduced by the idea of power again. The Light Side promotes peace and passive action. The Dark always whispers of action, to gain more power and serve its will. The problem is that I was taught for so long to serve my own will that I often have no idea on what the right course of action is. I have nothing in the way of a moral compass and only a rudimentary understanding of things like empathy and compassion.

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